Today I had my taxes done, after a sleepless worrisome night.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected. My tax lady is awesome. Very understanding about my business, and totally non judgmental.  I’ll be way more prepared for next year, and I’ll be able to deduct so much more.  I’m excited about that, and relieved that I got filing out of the way.  Now I just have to work on paying it all off.  Sometimes being self employed just doesn’t seem worth it. （x_x；) I guess I’ll have to work harder where it counts!

I had a wonderful time in member chat today, even though I was worn out and silly.  I just love when all of my viewers are gentlemen.  It puts me in a good mood, which allows me to get into a naughtier mood.  I’ll be on cam all day tomorrow, and here and there throughout the weekend.  Come find me. <3

Spoil me for my Birthday *^_^*

First a little update on my condition. I was in the hospital last Sunday, but it what started out as a scary occurrence turned out to be just a precautionary visit. I was having trouble breathing, heart palpitations, and my vision was blacking out. It made me panic because of everything I’ve gone through in the past couple of months, so I didn’t think twice about going to the emergency room. Another big fat hospital bill, which totally sucks. I got a referral to a new clinic out of it, and I might be able to have some of my hospital bills covered. I’m not counting on it, because they generally only do that with people who are super poverty stricken. I go to the doctor next week, and I’m working on getting myself on an insurance plan after that. The deductibles on decent plans are ridiculous.

Yes, I have a good idea what’s wrong with me.  I prefer not to go on about it everywhere publicly.  It’s not so much that it’s a secret that I’d rather not dwell on it.  I do talk about it sometimes when it’s brought up, other times I’d rather just do my job and not discuss it.  I think that’s fair and reasonable.

My Birthday is April 25th. Only 12 days left! I’m planning on going to my favorite Japanese restaurant with my family and a couple of friends.  I’m sad I can’t have Sake. >_<  What do I want for my Birthday more than anything this year?  A large sum of money to alleviate some stress would be the ultimate present.  But I’ll settle for everyone telling me how much better I get with age.  24 is middle aged in adult business after all. ^_~

If you’d like to spoil me for my day of birth, I just updated & categorized my wish list to make it easier to navigate.  I always get good use out of cosmetics, clothes, shoes and lingerie.  I’m hoping to make my apartment more photo shoot and cam friendly, so I’m trying to redecorate in this mother fucker.  I could also use a new lens, but those are pretty pricey.  Monies and gifts are always appreciated.  I’ll probably save all my packages until 25th, and open them all at once.  That sounds like fun times!

Violet’s Wish Lists!!

Apartment

Beauty & Cosmetics

Books

Camera Photo & Video

Clothing & Accessories

Cooking

Costumes & Cosplay

Ebay

Fetish & Bondage

Fitness

Gift Cards

Jewelry

Lingerie & Exotic Apparel

Naughty Toys & Things

Pets

Shoes

Toys & Collectables

Found these frames for $3.  Considering having prescription lenses put in them, but I’m all stocked up on contact lenses for now!

I’m also a sex offender.

Saving the naughty pics for my members. ^_-

No idea who the artist is, but if you read this thanks!

So my chat cut out today, and I’m really sorry.  I have no idea if it was Internet or the server, but I decided I should probably go finish packing anyhow.  I woke up with the right side of my face swollen and a head ache, so I was too embarrassed and run down to do a sexy show.

I’m leaving for the Phoenix Forum tomorrow afternoon.  I’m going back and forth between dread and excitement.  I feel so ugly and sick today, but the trip has already been paid for.  Days like this make me want to disappear. I was in such a positive mood for a while there, but I think it’s because I forgot what I look like right now.  I’ll be so happy if I just look even 10% more “normal” soon.

I have photos I want to share from my Sister’s Birthday, but I have to upload them still.  Here’s what I ate last Sunday, when we had a family dinner party for my Sis.  3/4 lb burger with cheddar, onion, pickle, mayo, bacon, and sauteed mushrooms.  It was fucking amazing.

I still have to pack, and try to make myself look decent.  I’ll be gone for the weekend.

Since my last blog entry, I’ve received so many positive comments and messages.  I never expected people to tell me I’m brave.  The word never came to mind while dealing with my situation.  I didn’t think posting the photos was a brave move, I felt I had no choice.  I got a little emotional when so many people messaged me with praise.   I could feel the sincerity behind the text this time, (or maybe I’m just delusional because it’s so personal! Haha).  No really, people had a lot of wonderful things to say.  Of course a few people are always going to be ignorant assholes, but the love engulfed all of the nastiness pretty quickly.  Thank you, to everyone.  <3

If you still want to help out or spoil me, you can find info here, (or that widget to the right on my tumblr).  My regular monthly bills are close to $2k a month alone with just rent, internet, phone, electric, car insurance, water & trash fees.  So expensive considering where I live and what I drive, but those of you who live in a big city are probably laughing at how cheap it is in comparison to your bills. Medical stuff and taxes kill me, so I won’t even start on that.  I’m surviving, and that’s what’s important right now.

Just please don’t bother being a bitter little jerk and bitch about how people give me money and gifts.  It really makes you look pathetic, and no one wants to read it.  : \  I’m not asking YOU to give me money, I’m putting the option out there.  Even if I don’t put it out there, some fans ask for my wish list or where they can send me money.  It’s just part of this business.  I am most certainly NOT the only model who receives money and gifts from men, I’m just not as private and sneaky about it.  I’ve always been very blunt and honest about things.  I’m not going to pretend I’m going to marry you and string you along, because that’s incredibly wrong and cruel on so many levels.

Luckily my friends and fans put those whiny little assholes in check recently. *^_^*  *insert middle finger here*

Even if you’re a fan who doesn’t spoil me, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate you.  I think I’m pretty fair with trying to interact with everyone.  I’m not a gold digger, but yeah I’m going take advantage of my good looks and youth while I’ve got it.  Even more so since my recent illness flare up, because it made me realize I could possibly lose my face any day.

I still don’t know if I’ll ever have my smile back, and I could wake up with the entire side of my face paralyzed.  I know I’d still have all of my friends and family if that ever happened, I wouldn’t lose my happiness.  Some of you know that I have a very dear loved one in my life who is paraplegic, so I wouldn’t dare lose my zest for life over a broken smile.  There are people who end up losing their entire faces in accidents.  People who lose all quality of life due to a debilitating illness.  There are people who fight through those illnesses and live life better than any of us!

The scariest part of all of this was feeling like I wouldn’t be able to survive if I lost this career. I’ve had this sinking feeling for years. It’s like I’ve been drowning, but only because I let myself feel that way.  I felt like I had no options before.  I do realize I could go out and get other jobs.  I won’t make as much as I’m making now.  It’s impossible with my level of education and my location.  Unless I become a stripper or an escort, there’s no line of work that will improve my situation for me right now.   I’ve been under a lot of pressure with my illness, debt, my family, and my work.  After healing I feel like I could start taking classes here and there, maybe start other projects, do things that will pay off for me in the future.  For the first time, I have interest in doing a lot of things that would’ve seemed too far out of reach before.  I felt like I had no choice but to live in the  moment before, but I think I can change that in the future.

I still think my face looks odd today, but I feel so much better.  I’m getting a lot of comments on my low weight still.  I can’t decide if I should try to gain a few more lbs or not.  If I get into that mind set, 50 cheeseburgers later I’ll feel too heavy.  I think I’ll start taking in extra protein shakes and see what happens, because I’m eating very healthy and consuming enough calories.  I was only 100 lbs about a week ago or so, but I think I was majorly dehydrated too.

I don’t know how long I’ll feel this good, because I’m dealing with something unpredictable.  For now I’m going to forget about being sick.  I fell so behind on everything, which normally leaves me too depressed and anxiety ridden to get motivated.  I think being sick for so long changed that problem.  I want to do as much as I can, but stop hating myself when I can’t get everything done.  And I’m not going to let the expectations of others run my life.  No, not even the expectation of you fans.  I’m sorry, but I can’t please everyone.  (:

One of my darling members suggested I go out and get myself a new toy,  (I wrote about my problems with sex toys a little bit here on my tumblr).  An idea I was not going to turn down.  I don’t get to shop very often, so when I have an excuse to buy something fun for work I get really excited.  I wanted a new glass toy since I like them so much, but I decided what I really needed was one of these.  I can’t wait to bust it out in member chat.   I know how some of you guys really like the fleshy realistic toys, but my old ones weren’t very pleasant.  This one is perfect, and has the right amount of “give” just like a real penor!

Look at all the pretty glass toys OoooOOoooooOOOoooo. Eventually I’ll add to my collection.

I want to make my Sister a cake like the photos below for her 21st Birthday.  Luckily I have baking ingredients that I never use in my cupboard.  I’m trying to figure out what I should use to get it from my house to hers.  A covered cake plate meant for a layer cake this tall would probably be too expensive, and I doubt I’ll ever use it again.  I’m wondering if maybe I can find a big cake box somewhere, like maybe Michael’s.  They usually have a lot of baking stuff.  Or maybe they have a plastic cake carrier.  I only have to travel a few miles with it, so maybe I’ll put it on a plate and set it in a box.  I want it to be a surprise, and I don’t want it to fall over!

I’m thinking about decorating the frosting with real edible flowers, and I can’t decide if I want to do bright or pastel rainbow colors.