Since my last blog entry, I’ve received so many positive comments and messages. I never expected people to tell me I’m brave. The word never came to mind while dealing with my situation. I didn’t think posting the photos was a brave move, I felt I had no choice. I got a little emotional when so many people messaged me with praise. I could feel the sincerity behind the text this time, (or maybe I’m just delusional because it’s so personal! Haha). No really, people had a lot of wonderful things to say. Of course a few people are always going to be ignorant assholes, but the love engulfed all of the nastiness pretty quickly. Thank you, to everyone. <3
If you still want to help out or spoil me, you can find info here, (or that widget to the right on my tumblr). My regular monthly bills are close to $2k a month alone with just rent, internet, phone, electric, car insurance, water & trash fees. So expensive considering where I live and what I drive, but those of you who live in a big city are probably laughing at how cheap it is in comparison to your bills. Medical stuff and taxes kill me, so I won’t even start on that. I’m surviving, and that’s what’s important right now.
Just please don’t bother being a bitter little jerk and bitch about how people give me money and gifts. It really makes you look pathetic, and no one wants to read it. : \ I’m not asking YOU to give me money, I’m putting the option out there. Even if I don’t put it out there, some fans ask for my wish list or where they can send me money. It’s just part of this business. I am most certainly NOT the only model who receives money and gifts from men, I’m just not as private and sneaky about it. I’ve always been very blunt and honest about things. I’m not going to pretend I’m going to marry you and string you along, because that’s incredibly wrong and cruel on so many levels.
Luckily my friends and fans put those whiny little assholes in check recently. *^_^* *insert middle finger here*
Even if you’re a fan who doesn’t spoil me, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate you. I think I’m pretty fair with trying to interact with everyone. I’m not a gold digger, but yeah I’m going take advantage of my good looks and youth while I’ve got it. Even more so since my recent illness flare up, because it made me realize I could possibly lose my face any day.
I still don’t know if I’ll ever have my smile back, and I could wake up with the entire side of my face paralyzed. I know I’d still have all of my friends and family if that ever happened, I wouldn’t lose my happiness. Some of you know that I have a very dear loved one in my life who is paraplegic, so I wouldn’t dare lose my zest for life over a broken smile. There are people who end up losing their entire faces in accidents. People who lose all quality of life due to a debilitating illness. There are people who fight through those illnesses and live life better than any of us!
The scariest part of all of this was feeling like I wouldn’t be able to survive if I lost this career. I’ve had this sinking feeling for years. It’s like I’ve been drowning, but only because I let myself feel that way. I felt like I had no options before. I do realize I could go out and get other jobs. I won’t make as much as I’m making now. It’s impossible with my level of education and my location. Unless I become a stripper or an escort, there’s no line of work that will improve my situation for me right now. I’ve been under a lot of pressure with my illness, debt, my family, and my work. After healing I feel like I could start taking classes here and there, maybe start other projects, do things that will pay off for me in the future. For the first time, I have interest in doing a lot of things that would’ve seemed too far out of reach before. I felt like I had no choice but to live in the moment before, but I think I can change that in the future.
I still think my face looks odd today, but I feel so much better. I’m getting a lot of comments on my low weight still. I can’t decide if I should try to gain a few more lbs or not. If I get into that mind set, 50 cheeseburgers later I’ll feel too heavy. I think I’ll start taking in extra protein shakes and see what happens, because I’m eating very healthy and consuming enough calories. I was only 100 lbs about a week ago or so, but I think I was majorly dehydrated too.
I don’t know how long I’ll feel this good, because I’m dealing with something unpredictable. For now I’m going to forget about being sick. I fell so behind on everything, which normally leaves me too depressed and anxiety ridden to get motivated. I think being sick for so long changed that problem. I want to do as much as I can, but stop hating myself when I can’t get everything done. And I’m not going to let the expectations of others run my life. No, not even the expectation of you fans. I’m sorry, but I can’t please everyone. (:
One of my darling members suggested I go out and get myself a new toy, (I wrote about my problems with sex toys a little bit here on my tumblr). An idea I was not going to turn down. I don’t get to shop very often, so when I have an excuse to buy something fun for work I get really excited. I wanted a new glass toy since I like them so much, but I decided what I really needed was one of these. I can’t wait to bust it out in member chat. I know how some of you guys really like the fleshy realistic toys, but my old ones weren’t very pleasant. This one is perfect, and has the right amount of “give” just like a real penor!
Look at all the pretty glass toys OoooOOoooooOOOoooo. Eventually I’ll add to my collection.
I want to make my Sister a cake like the photos below for her 21st Birthday. Luckily I have baking ingredients that I never use in my cupboard. I’m trying to figure out what I should use to get it from my house to hers. A covered cake plate meant for a layer cake this tall would probably be too expensive, and I doubt I’ll ever use it again. I’m wondering if maybe I can find a big cake box somewhere, like maybe Michael’s. They usually have a lot of baking stuff. Or maybe they have a plastic cake carrier. I only have to travel a few miles with it, so maybe I’ll put it on a plate and set it in a box. I want it to be a surprise, and I don’t want it to fall over!
I’m thinking about decorating the frosting with real edible flowers, and I can’t decide if I want to do bright or pastel rainbow colors.
